Dear Lord, Give me Peace instead of angst,
Dear Lord, Give me Freedom instead of bondage,
Dear Lord, Give me Hope instead of despair,
Dear Lord, Give me Love instead of hate,
Dear Lord, Give me Forgivness instead of revenge,
Dear Lord. Give me Me security where there is fear,
Dear Lord, Give me Safety when I feel none,
Dear Lord forgive me of my doubt, I have never known this kind
of love before, Uncondtional and so Forgiving. Help me stay wise
in all my decisions and may I remember to take any and all of them to
you. Help me be as wise a serpent and as gentle as a dove and the
spiritual decernment to know the difference. Amen
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Act of the will written by: J. Sidlow Baxter;
Act of the will written by: J. Sidlow Baxter
As never before my will and I stood face to face. I asked my will the
Straight question, “Will, are you ready for an hour of prayer? “Will
Answered, “Here I am, and I am quite ready, if you are.” So will and
I linked arms and turned to go for our time of prayer. At once all the
Emotions began pulling the other way protesting, “We’re not coming.”
I saw will stagger just a bit , so I asked, “Can you stick it out, Will?”
And will replied, “Yes if you can.” So will went, and we got down to
Prayer…. It was a struggle all the way through. At one point… of those
Traitorous emotions had snared my imagination and had ran of to the
Golf course; and it was all I could do tp drag the wicked rascal back….
At the end of that hour, if you had asked me, “ Have you had a
‘good time’?” I would have to reply , “No, at times it has seemed
As though the heavens were brass, and God too distant to hear, and
The Lord Jesus strangely aloof, prayer accomplishing nothing.”
Yet something was happening. For one thing, Will and I really
Taught the emotions that we were completely independent of them.
Also, one morning, about two weeks ago after the contest began, just
When will and I were going for another of prayer, “Come on, you guys,
It’s no use wasting any more time resisting: they’ll go just the same.
Then another couple weeks later, what do you think happened?
During one of our prayer times, when Will and I were no more thinking
Of emotions than the man in the moon, one of those most vigorous
emotions unexpectedly sprang up and shouted, “Hallelujah!” at which
All the other emotions exclaimed “Amen!” And for the first time the
Whole of my being-intellect, will, and emotions-was united in one
Coordinated prayer-operation. All at once, God was real, heaven was
Open, the Lord Jesus was luminously present, the Holy Spirit was indeed
Moving through my longings, and prayer was surprisingly vital.
Moreover, in that instant there came a sudden realization that heave had
Been watching and listening all the way through those days of struggle
Against chilling moods and mutinous emotions; also that I had been
Undergoing necessary tutoring by my heavenly “Teacher.”
I read this in a book I am reading called,
Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World
Luke10:38-39
As never before my will and I stood face to face. I asked my will the
Straight question, “Will, are you ready for an hour of prayer? “Will
Answered, “Here I am, and I am quite ready, if you are.” So will and
I linked arms and turned to go for our time of prayer. At once all the
Emotions began pulling the other way protesting, “We’re not coming.”
I saw will stagger just a bit , so I asked, “Can you stick it out, Will?”
And will replied, “Yes if you can.” So will went, and we got down to
Prayer…. It was a struggle all the way through. At one point… of those
Traitorous emotions had snared my imagination and had ran of to the
Golf course; and it was all I could do tp drag the wicked rascal back….
At the end of that hour, if you had asked me, “ Have you had a
‘good time’?” I would have to reply , “No, at times it has seemed
As though the heavens were brass, and God too distant to hear, and
The Lord Jesus strangely aloof, prayer accomplishing nothing.”
Yet something was happening. For one thing, Will and I really
Taught the emotions that we were completely independent of them.
Also, one morning, about two weeks ago after the contest began, just
When will and I were going for another of prayer, “Come on, you guys,
It’s no use wasting any more time resisting: they’ll go just the same.
Then another couple weeks later, what do you think happened?
During one of our prayer times, when Will and I were no more thinking
Of emotions than the man in the moon, one of those most vigorous
emotions unexpectedly sprang up and shouted, “Hallelujah!” at which
All the other emotions exclaimed “Amen!” And for the first time the
Whole of my being-intellect, will, and emotions-was united in one
Coordinated prayer-operation. All at once, God was real, heaven was
Open, the Lord Jesus was luminously present, the Holy Spirit was indeed
Moving through my longings, and prayer was surprisingly vital.
Moreover, in that instant there came a sudden realization that heave had
Been watching and listening all the way through those days of struggle
Against chilling moods and mutinous emotions; also that I had been
Undergoing necessary tutoring by my heavenly “Teacher.”
I read this in a book I am reading called,
Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World
Luke10:38-39
Thursday, November 4, 2010
August 3rd 2009 when my marriage died for a season
(I wrote this August 3rd 2009 After my marriage died for a season)
Sometimes it seems as if I am drowning deeper and deeper into darkness
My hands are lifted up and I am crying out and saying I don’t get it what’s
Happening what am I doing wrong?
I am still sinking my hands still reaching upward, saying God where are you
Why don’t I feel you it’s dark down here I can’t breath where are you, I’m
Drowning in my own self pity.
I hear a voice speaking to me saying, with your hands out stretched say Father
Abba help me here I am and I did he reached down and touched my hand and
Said to me this is the way walk in it. (Isaiah 30:21)
In the midst of my affliction and all recent trials you were there you have directed
me to verses I never new existed you are my savior my anchor.
You have carried me thus far.
My heart and hands reached up to heaven and said father I choose life
I choose you as my strength and my foundation. you have carried me thus far.
Your light shines through me now, where there was darkness there is none
You are my life you are my love you are my hope my everything.
I know you are my Lord and King and that you are always there for me.
Hallelujah.
Written By Jerrie Cottrell
Sometimes it seems as if I am drowning deeper and deeper into darkness
My hands are lifted up and I am crying out and saying I don’t get it what’s
Happening what am I doing wrong?
I am still sinking my hands still reaching upward, saying God where are you
Why don’t I feel you it’s dark down here I can’t breath where are you, I’m
Drowning in my own self pity.
I hear a voice speaking to me saying, with your hands out stretched say Father
Abba help me here I am and I did he reached down and touched my hand and
Said to me this is the way walk in it. (Isaiah 30:21)
In the midst of my affliction and all recent trials you were there you have directed
me to verses I never new existed you are my savior my anchor.
You have carried me thus far.
My heart and hands reached up to heaven and said father I choose life
I choose you as my strength and my foundation. you have carried me thus far.
Your light shines through me now, where there was darkness there is none
You are my life you are my love you are my hope my everything.
I know you are my Lord and King and that you are always there for me.
Hallelujah.
Written By Jerrie Cottrell
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Peoples Church My True Family
They couldn't have picked a better name for this quaint
little church.
I have never met such a group of loving and caring people in my entire life.
They are truly the type of believers that Christ speaks about in the bible
they accept you for who you are and they love with out condition.
The Pastor and his wife they interact with the body they don't put them
selves above or below they show us that they love and hurt and get mad
just like the rest of us. They take the time to answer the phone and talk
with you they aren't untouchable like so many other congregation's where
it takes a act of congress to reach them.
I have been attending there for five years, that is the longest that I have ever
stayed in one spot. What keeps me there is the people and God of course.
Let me give you an example why:
Just recently I had to move back to Longview, Wa. due to circumstances out of
my control. Longview is a 45 minute drive from Vancouver where the Church
is located anyway I felt that I needed to find a church in Longview and build a
fellowship base here so i stopped attending at peoples and starting losing contact
with my family there and when I say family I don't mean blood I really mean
a family that loves you and cares about what happens to you.
Well finding a church here wasn't going so hot I was slowly drifting away from
any contact with a fellowship base and I had stopped my prayer time and study
time and that right there is the foundation that I thrived on i was losing hope and
my faith I was afraid to pick up a phone and call anyone of my friends @ peoples
because I felt I needed to move on to a new chapter in my life.
"just to let you know that is what Satan wanted me to believe."
Because I believed that lie I ended up in the worst depression of my life. I found
myself in the hospital for three days and on a antidepressant that my husband
and I call Satan's drug along with anti anxiety drug that put me in a 10 day black
out. when I came out of that I was in worse shape than when I started this crap.
I got a phone call one day from my best friend wanting to know if I was ok
because I had deleted my face book account and that had sent warning flags to my
family at Peoples church, That's all it took for me I broke down and told her all
the crap I was going through. She and her Husband came up to where we live
and took us to dinner and visited for I hadn't been able to eat in days and that
day was no exception I was trying to function but is was very difficult.
After that day I went down hill my faith had taken a dive I started questioning every
decision that I had made that was faith based, I started hearing voices, seeing things
and had become extremely paranoid my blood pressure had sky rocketed I felt as
I had lost all touch of reality I ended up at my husbands moms house for three days
because i was scared to go home I lived in fear day and night. Finally i made it home
I hadn't slept or ate in days i had been in and out of the hospital every other day.
When the paranoia set in I remembered reading the side effects of this drug they put
me on Celexa and all the symptoms I was having had to due with that and the anxiety
meds they had me on. So I stopped them and was sick for weeks. I got a phone call
from my friend again wanting to know if I was okay and at first I said yes and then
I broke and started crying and couldn't talk and she says to me do you want me to
come and get you at first I was reluctant but I heard God say yes and then I said to
her please come I need my family, I have never felt so alone and was ashamed to
admit it knowing deep down inside I wasn't. At any rate she was at my place with
in 45 Min's.
The plan was that I was going to go to church that night but my body had other ideas
I called my Dr. there in Vancouver because i wanted to get info on something so on our
way to church we stopped by there while I was there I had my blood pressure taken
it was something like 160/108/ 81 So Yet again I ended up in the hospital I told my
friend to go to church and have everyone pray for me.
It turns out that Iwas going throughsome serious withdraws from the medication that
the Drs. had so abrubtly taken me off of thank God they weren't narcotics because of the
bad reaction I was having with them to begin with I really believe that Satan was just
having a big party at my expense LOL.
I am greatful for my family at peoples Church because they were there when I needed
them. God is an amazing God, my family there let me know I am loved and that I was missed
and I should have never left to begin with they are willing to sacrifice thier time and thier
gas to come and get and to have me spend the weekend if need be to make it to chior and
chruch that is true love and scarifice.of ones time. That is how I see Jesus that is the person
I read about in the Bible . This is the body of Christ that I believe Paul speaks about this is
about a relationship with Jesus and his flock.
Jesus is the best thing that has ever happened to me evreything else is a bonus
because he loves us.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Bridging Differences
When one church brands another a cult, the
accusation usually creates long-standing
bitterness.
The Samaritins and the Jews felt that way
about each other.
Samaritin religion closely resembled Judaism,
but on key issues its followers had gone thier
own way. They accepted only the firs five books
of the old Testament and insisted that Mount
Gerizim, not Jerusalem, was the proper place
to worshp God.
Though Jews and Samaritins usually avoided
each other, Jesus reached accross these
barriers.
I wish we could all learn something from this,
so many of us are so busy judging each other
that we forget what Jesus has taught us in his time
on earth.
May God Bless All who live by these
principles and put them to practice.
accusation usually creates long-standing
bitterness.
The Samaritins and the Jews felt that way
about each other.
Samaritin religion closely resembled Judaism,
but on key issues its followers had gone thier
own way. They accepted only the firs five books
of the old Testament and insisted that Mount
Gerizim, not Jerusalem, was the proper place
to worshp God.
Though Jews and Samaritins usually avoided
each other, Jesus reached accross these
barriers.
I wish we could all learn something from this,
so many of us are so busy judging each other
that we forget what Jesus has taught us in his time
on earth.
May God Bless All who live by these
principles and put them to practice.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Please Do Not Use This Pill
The "Morning After" Pill
kills human life at its earliest and littlest stage
How your life began...
How does the morning-after pill kill?
Amongst other mechanisms, this pill changes the womb's inner lining so that the newly-conceived life cannot attach itself to the womb wall. Under this chemical abortive action, the new life is not allowed to attach and implant in his mother's womb and so dies.
kills human life at its earliest and littlest stage
How your life began...
How does the morning-after pill kill?
Remember...
Human life begins at conception. This is because:- Conception is the fertilisation of the ovum(egg) by the spermatozoan(sperm) (Refs: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
- Pregnancy begins with conception(fertilisation) (Refs: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
- Butterworth's Medical Dictionary 2nd Ed. 1978
- Blakiston's Gould Medical Dictionary 4th Ed. New York 1979
- Stedman's Medical Dictionary 26th Ed. Williams and Wilkins, London 1995
- Mellon's illustrated Medical Dictionary 3rd Ed. New York 1993
- Harrup's Dictionary of Medicine and Health London 1988
- Oxford Concise Medical Dictionary 4th Ed. London 1994
- Don't be deceived - the morning-after pill IS abortive. It kills human life. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Danger to growing Christias (2 Peter Chapter 2)
But there were false prophets also among the people, even as there shall be false teachers among you, who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the Lord that bought them, and bring upon themselves swift destruction.
2 And many shall follow their pernicious ways; by reason of whom the way of truth shall be evil spoken of.
3 And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you: whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their damnation slumbereth not.
4 For if God spared not the angels that sinned, but cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness, to be reserved unto judgment;.
5 And spared not the old world, but saved Noah the eighth person, a preacher of righteousness, bringing in the flood upon the world of the ungodly;
6 And turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrha into ashes condemned them with an overthrow, making them an ensample unto those that after should live ungodly;
7 And delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation of the wicked:
8 (For that righteous man dwelling among them, in seeing and hearing, vexed his righteous soul from day to day with their unlawful deeds;)
9 The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished:
10 But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. Presumptuous are they, selfwilled, they are not afraid to speak evil of dignities.
11 Whereas angels, which are greater in power and might, bring not railing accusation against them before the Lord.
12 But these, as natural brute beasts, made to be taken and destroyed, speak evil of the things that they understand not; and shall utterly perish in their own corruption;
13 And shall receive the reward of unrighteousness, as they that count it pleasure to riot in the day time. Spots they are and blemishes, sporting themselves with their own deceivings while they feast with you;
14 Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children:
15 Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray, following the way of Balaam the son of Bosor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness;
16 But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb ass speaking with man's voice forbad the madness of the prophet.
17 These are wells without water, clouds that are carried with a tempest; to whom the mist of darkness is reserved for ever.
18 For when they speak great swelling words of vanity, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through much wantonness, those that were clean escaped from them who live in error.
19 While they promise them liberty, they themselves are the servants of corruption: for of whom a man is overcome, of the same is he brought in bondage.
20 For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning.
21 For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them.
22 But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.
2 And many shall follow their pernicious ways; by reason of whom the way of truth shall be evil spoken of.
3 And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you: whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their damnation slumbereth not.
4 For if God spared not the angels that sinned, but cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness, to be reserved unto judgment;.
5 And spared not the old world, but saved Noah the eighth person, a preacher of righteousness, bringing in the flood upon the world of the ungodly;
6 And turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrha into ashes condemned them with an overthrow, making them an ensample unto those that after should live ungodly;
7 And delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation of the wicked:
8 (For that righteous man dwelling among them, in seeing and hearing, vexed his righteous soul from day to day with their unlawful deeds;)
9 The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations, and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished:
10 But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. Presumptuous are they, selfwilled, they are not afraid to speak evil of dignities.
11 Whereas angels, which are greater in power and might, bring not railing accusation against them before the Lord.
12 But these, as natural brute beasts, made to be taken and destroyed, speak evil of the things that they understand not; and shall utterly perish in their own corruption;
13 And shall receive the reward of unrighteousness, as they that count it pleasure to riot in the day time. Spots they are and blemishes, sporting themselves with their own deceivings while they feast with you;
14 Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children:
15 Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray, following the way of Balaam the son of Bosor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness;
16 But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb ass speaking with man's voice forbad the madness of the prophet.
17 These are wells without water, clouds that are carried with a tempest; to whom the mist of darkness is reserved for ever.
18 For when they speak great swelling words of vanity, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through much wantonness, those that were clean escaped from them who live in error.
19 While they promise them liberty, they themselves are the servants of corruption: for of whom a man is overcome, of the same is he brought in bondage.
20 For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning.
21 For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them.
22 But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Israel and the persecution of Christians; By Jerrie Cottrell
My dream has been to go to Israel to live and do Gods work
And share the word of Christ, for some reason I was under the
impression it would be safe to do so over there. My desire to
do so is now greater than before.
I was speaking with a lady over the phone the other day who
attended a Christian School there. She also lived there for some time
afterwards while we were talking I learned that missionaries are
not welcome in Israel I asked why is that and she proceeded to share
with me that Christians are highly persecuted over there,as well
as Messianic Jews if not more so. I couldn't believe what I was
hearing.
I have always wondered why God has given me such a heavy heart
for his people and why I have always wanted to go there, not just to
visit or walk where Jesus walked but to serve over there. Now I
understand a little more of what he is preparing me for.
I know Jewish people don't like Christians much but I thought
it had to do with the history of the most recent events. I didn't
realize that they were still living out the old testament.
I want to thank Jesus for opening my eyes so I have a clearer
picture of what to pray for. Not just for the peace of Jerusalem,
also for their acceptance of God's Son JESUS CHRIST.
And share the word of Christ, for some reason I was under the
impression it would be safe to do so over there. My desire to
do so is now greater than before.
I was speaking with a lady over the phone the other day who
attended a Christian School there. She also lived there for some time
afterwards while we were talking I learned that missionaries are
not welcome in Israel I asked why is that and she proceeded to share
with me that Christians are highly persecuted over there,as well
as Messianic Jews if not more so. I couldn't believe what I was
hearing.
I have always wondered why God has given me such a heavy heart
for his people and why I have always wanted to go there, not just to
visit or walk where Jesus walked but to serve over there. Now I
understand a little more of what he is preparing me for.
I know Jewish people don't like Christians much but I thought
it had to do with the history of the most recent events. I didn't
realize that they were still living out the old testament.
I want to thank Jesus for opening my eyes so I have a clearer
picture of what to pray for. Not just for the peace of Jerusalem,
also for their acceptance of God's Son JESUS CHRIST.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Part1 Of My Testimony
Dazed And Confused
Part One
Dazed and confused was my life for some time after I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior, I had no idea what I was to do and how to make the changes that needed to be made. Like I said before what I was doing prior wasn’t working and things needed to change.
I knew nothing about spiritual warfare, nope not a clue and what was about to happen or the challenges I would be facing. See before I accepted Christ in my life I was really involved into witch craft yep all that hocus pocus stuff, believing that their is such a thing as white magic and black magic let me tell you that is what the enemy would have me believe, so now that he has lost a so called ally, The real battle was about to begin with in my heart and mind because all I knew was witch craft, along with that came free love, drinking smoking, you get the picture.
I thought my life was suppose to get better you know less complicated, easier, worry free God would take care of everything, seriously I was that naïve. That is what I was told that this Jesus person died so I would be free and everything would be so much easier. I didn’t realize it would be that hard I figured that I would go to church and stop smoking and drinking and taking drugs etc, wrong again I didn’t realize that now I was fair game for the enemy at least it felt that way, I was so confused about what God wanted from me I had no clue I still don’t but at least I have a some what of a better understanding but that’s for later.
The person that led me to the Lord told me God can and will deliver me from all these bad habits I had collected over the years but she failed to tell me that I had to be a willing participant I know that sounds silly and I was willing in some areas how ever I got really over whelmed and scared not to mentioned I had a very low self esteem problem, now this is where the enemy start’s to come into play because all my life I felt unloved and unwanted and the thought of this Jesus person loving me and wanting to be apart of my life was cool , unfortunately because the enemy knows my past and all my ugliness he started attacking me with these insecurities,
I wasn’t lovable, I always believed that because my dad never wanted to see me if it meant having to be in the same room as my mother and my mom seemed to love her drugs and her many boyfriends more which made it difficult for me believe That God or this Jesus person would or could love me.
And the enemy knew this so he started whispering into my ear saying Jesus doesn’t love you your own parents didn’t love you so why on earth would he even take the time to love you. That God or this Jesus person would never or love me. That was and is lie number one; it is so easy to believe especially when you think it is you thinking this stuff, because it is what I know all so well. In Gods living word He is always expressing His love for me as well as others.
In Jeremiah 31:3
He says the Lord has appeared of old to me, saying ; yes I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you.
One of the things I have learned in the passing years that Satan cant make me do anything, he can put the thought into my head, it is up to me as to what I do with it, that would have been useful back in the day so the old saying the devil made do it, not true. You see the enemy does not discriminate he will use Christian friends he doesn’t care, I remember a time when a person told me playing cards were evil and that I shouldn’t have them in my home I remember thinking to myself if this is how petty God can be why on earth would I want to serve a God like that,
lie number two it wasn’t that I shouldn’t have cards in my house or play with my cards. This person was concerned that it could be a doorway to other things due to my past in witch craft, the enemy would have me believe she was being controlling , come to find out later she to had dabbled in tarot cards. I didn’t know this then so one more victory for the enemy because by this time I was becoming disillusioned with God and this Jesus person.
I really had no one to talk to except this other person who was my mentor and a mother figure considering I didn’t have a good role model for a mother don’t get me wrong my mom did the best she could with what she had to work with, she got married and had a child by the age of sixteen for crying out loud, could you imagine.
No one ever told me I could have conversations with God or this Jesus person. So I struggled with these changes I felt I had to make right away or God wouldn’t accept me for who I was, yes I was reading my bible but it might as well have been in a foreign language because I had no clue what I was reading seriously this person whom I was working with just kept saying give it to God he will help you well let me tell you I didn’t get very far after that I just threw my hands up in the air and said I have had enough. You see I felt as if I wasn’t good enough and that God didn’t hear me. It was easier to go back to what I knew and did well. And I did just that.
The enemy was eager to welcome me back into his little twisted world.
I thought I was miserable before and that I couldn’t go any lower, well let me tell you what my drinking as well as other addictions or bad habits became much worse than it was before. See what I didn’t mention earlier was that during this time I was married and was raising three beautiful kids who were in the path of my self destruction. And just imagine the field day the enemy had with that destroying all that god was trying to build. As I said before the enemy doesn’t discriminate. Little did I know that when we accept Jesus that the enemy would work over time. Anyway I had gone back to drinking and associating with my old pals, which wasn’t that many but enough to do damage. My drinking had become worse and I lived on pain pills as far back as I could remember.
I could go on for ever about the cloud my head was in. However recently I was sitting in church and the pastor said that we always have a tendency to maximize the negative and minimize the positive. I have spent many years doing that and let me tell you I was one sad sack, you know the worst of it is I chose to be stay there because it was all I knew and grew up with.
I think all of us know where feeling sorry for our selves can get us. I had spent so many years in a state of confusion that I had no idea how to get out of the deep pit I had dug my self into. I had forgotten all about God and his Son. I had allowed myself to become full of resentment, anger, hate, bitterness and despair I hated whom I had become so much that I had tried to commit suicide twice.
The beautiful part of it is that God followed me to that darkest place and found me I am not here because some one gave me CPR or of any one person. Let me explain something I didn’t just take a few pills, and say oh some one will find me and take me to a hospital I didn’t make any last ditch effort to call some one this is important, I didn’t want attention I wanted to die I took about 15 muscle relaxants some other white pills about 5 or six and approximately a half rack of beer my partner and my son was asleep upstairs. I left a note I don’t remember what it said, however it didn’t matter because God wasn’t done with me.
I don’t know how long I was out but it couldn’t have been long because I awoke with two people staring at me, I’ve never been so angry as I was at that moment not to mention the shame I felt when I realized what I had done to my son. It took me days to get the chemicals out of my body. I eventually went and saw a doctor about my suicide attempt told him what I took he asked me why I was still alive I just looked at him and said God hates me that’s why. I knew deep with in that wasn’t the truth, I hated me I hated what I had become and who I had become.
Little did I know God was just waiting for me to say okay I have had enough of this life if that’s what I wanted to call it. I tried to do what I had done so many other times and that was running how ever and where ever I ran my problems would soon follow. This time was different. Upon ending this chapter I leave you with these verses. Even though my life was a mess I always prayed maybe for death or living but I was always seeking for something that always right there before me.
Part One
Dazed and confused was my life for some time after I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior, I had no idea what I was to do and how to make the changes that needed to be made. Like I said before what I was doing prior wasn’t working and things needed to change.
I knew nothing about spiritual warfare, nope not a clue and what was about to happen or the challenges I would be facing. See before I accepted Christ in my life I was really involved into witch craft yep all that hocus pocus stuff, believing that their is such a thing as white magic and black magic let me tell you that is what the enemy would have me believe, so now that he has lost a so called ally, The real battle was about to begin with in my heart and mind because all I knew was witch craft, along with that came free love, drinking smoking, you get the picture.
I thought my life was suppose to get better you know less complicated, easier, worry free God would take care of everything, seriously I was that naïve. That is what I was told that this Jesus person died so I would be free and everything would be so much easier. I didn’t realize it would be that hard I figured that I would go to church and stop smoking and drinking and taking drugs etc, wrong again I didn’t realize that now I was fair game for the enemy at least it felt that way, I was so confused about what God wanted from me I had no clue I still don’t but at least I have a some what of a better understanding but that’s for later.
The person that led me to the Lord told me God can and will deliver me from all these bad habits I had collected over the years but she failed to tell me that I had to be a willing participant I know that sounds silly and I was willing in some areas how ever I got really over whelmed and scared not to mentioned I had a very low self esteem problem, now this is where the enemy start’s to come into play because all my life I felt unloved and unwanted and the thought of this Jesus person loving me and wanting to be apart of my life was cool , unfortunately because the enemy knows my past and all my ugliness he started attacking me with these insecurities,
I wasn’t lovable, I always believed that because my dad never wanted to see me if it meant having to be in the same room as my mother and my mom seemed to love her drugs and her many boyfriends more which made it difficult for me believe That God or this Jesus person would or could love me.
And the enemy knew this so he started whispering into my ear saying Jesus doesn’t love you your own parents didn’t love you so why on earth would he even take the time to love you. That God or this Jesus person would never or love me. That was and is lie number one; it is so easy to believe especially when you think it is you thinking this stuff, because it is what I know all so well. In Gods living word He is always expressing His love for me as well as others.
In Jeremiah 31:3
He says the Lord has appeared of old to me, saying ; yes I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you.
One of the things I have learned in the passing years that Satan cant make me do anything, he can put the thought into my head, it is up to me as to what I do with it, that would have been useful back in the day so the old saying the devil made do it, not true. You see the enemy does not discriminate he will use Christian friends he doesn’t care, I remember a time when a person told me playing cards were evil and that I shouldn’t have them in my home I remember thinking to myself if this is how petty God can be why on earth would I want to serve a God like that,
lie number two it wasn’t that I shouldn’t have cards in my house or play with my cards. This person was concerned that it could be a doorway to other things due to my past in witch craft, the enemy would have me believe she was being controlling , come to find out later she to had dabbled in tarot cards. I didn’t know this then so one more victory for the enemy because by this time I was becoming disillusioned with God and this Jesus person.
I really had no one to talk to except this other person who was my mentor and a mother figure considering I didn’t have a good role model for a mother don’t get me wrong my mom did the best she could with what she had to work with, she got married and had a child by the age of sixteen for crying out loud, could you imagine.
No one ever told me I could have conversations with God or this Jesus person. So I struggled with these changes I felt I had to make right away or God wouldn’t accept me for who I was, yes I was reading my bible but it might as well have been in a foreign language because I had no clue what I was reading seriously this person whom I was working with just kept saying give it to God he will help you well let me tell you I didn’t get very far after that I just threw my hands up in the air and said I have had enough. You see I felt as if I wasn’t good enough and that God didn’t hear me. It was easier to go back to what I knew and did well. And I did just that.
The enemy was eager to welcome me back into his little twisted world.
I thought I was miserable before and that I couldn’t go any lower, well let me tell you what my drinking as well as other addictions or bad habits became much worse than it was before. See what I didn’t mention earlier was that during this time I was married and was raising three beautiful kids who were in the path of my self destruction. And just imagine the field day the enemy had with that destroying all that god was trying to build. As I said before the enemy doesn’t discriminate. Little did I know that when we accept Jesus that the enemy would work over time. Anyway I had gone back to drinking and associating with my old pals, which wasn’t that many but enough to do damage. My drinking had become worse and I lived on pain pills as far back as I could remember.
I could go on for ever about the cloud my head was in. However recently I was sitting in church and the pastor said that we always have a tendency to maximize the negative and minimize the positive. I have spent many years doing that and let me tell you I was one sad sack, you know the worst of it is I chose to be stay there because it was all I knew and grew up with.
I think all of us know where feeling sorry for our selves can get us. I had spent so many years in a state of confusion that I had no idea how to get out of the deep pit I had dug my self into. I had forgotten all about God and his Son. I had allowed myself to become full of resentment, anger, hate, bitterness and despair I hated whom I had become so much that I had tried to commit suicide twice.
The beautiful part of it is that God followed me to that darkest place and found me I am not here because some one gave me CPR or of any one person. Let me explain something I didn’t just take a few pills, and say oh some one will find me and take me to a hospital I didn’t make any last ditch effort to call some one this is important, I didn’t want attention I wanted to die I took about 15 muscle relaxants some other white pills about 5 or six and approximately a half rack of beer my partner and my son was asleep upstairs. I left a note I don’t remember what it said, however it didn’t matter because God wasn’t done with me.
I don’t know how long I was out but it couldn’t have been long because I awoke with two people staring at me, I’ve never been so angry as I was at that moment not to mention the shame I felt when I realized what I had done to my son. It took me days to get the chemicals out of my body. I eventually went and saw a doctor about my suicide attempt told him what I took he asked me why I was still alive I just looked at him and said God hates me that’s why. I knew deep with in that wasn’t the truth, I hated me I hated what I had become and who I had become.
Little did I know God was just waiting for me to say okay I have had enough of this life if that’s what I wanted to call it. I tried to do what I had done so many other times and that was running how ever and where ever I ran my problems would soon follow. This time was different. Upon ending this chapter I leave you with these verses. Even though my life was a mess I always prayed maybe for death or living but I was always seeking for something that always right there before me.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Aren't you glad Jesus isn't that way.
Dear Diary,
I went to church today. This morning I was standing out in the main lobby visiting
with my church family when all of a sudden I looked up and saw a familiar face entering.
And all of a sudden I wanted to hide; and actually I looked at my friend and said hide me she
new exactly what I meant because she saw this person to. Don't get me wrong I like this
person well enough just not today. Aren't you glad Jesus isn't that way.
Anyway realizing what a but head I was being I stepped out from behind my friend
and went over and greeted her. Asked her how she was doing and she says to me I need to
talk to you so we went off to the side and she told me her brother had passed away a month
ago and had no money to bury him think I felt bad before I really felt like a heel then in my
defense I haven't been feeling well. So trying to shake off my lack of compassion at that
moment, inwardly thanking God for not treating me this way.
What is it that paul says in, Romans 7:15-16
I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate.
I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good.
And then to Top it off we had a meeting down stair for candy festival today, so I invited this friend to join
us if she would like and she did. I found a place to sit so did she but it was in the back where no one else was sitting. Someone brought in Pizza I got a piece didn't even offer her a piece, aren't you glad Jesus isn't this way Jerrie .
I know she is a big girl but still it isn't easy being the new kid on the block. Oh it gets better. I realized the time, and decided I needed to head back home to Longview so I get up and say good bye to everyone except Yep you guessed it i totally forgot about my friend, half way to where i was going the Lord said Jerrie did you forget something and I said oh *%#! and turned around went back to the Church. I was praying she was still there, so I hurried down stairs and there she sat, as I entered my really good friend said did you forget something didn't even respond went straight to my other friend not caring who heard what I said to her. I told that I was so sorry I forgot about you; (Aren't you glad Jesus isn't like that Jerrie)
I asked her if she would like a ride home she said no but I will walk you out. We visited a moment
and she went on her way and I went on mine. About two blocks away the Lord spoke to me and said did anyone pray for her today and I said I don't think so He instructed me to turn around and get her, I said really I just want to go home, It's not about what you want Jerrie it is about what she needs and she needs prayer so I turn around again and got her and asked her if anyone had offered to pray with her and she said no. I told her i needed to make quick stop to pick up something from my friend on my way out of town and that we would pray for her and that is how my day ended in Vancouver Wa.
Praise you Jesus for Loving my friend enough to send a sinner like myself to pray for her and I blieve showing her that We are imperfect creatures and also showing her your Love.
Aren't you glad Jesus Isn't like that.
I went to church today. This morning I was standing out in the main lobby visiting
with my church family when all of a sudden I looked up and saw a familiar face entering.
And all of a sudden I wanted to hide; and actually I looked at my friend and said hide me she
new exactly what I meant because she saw this person to. Don't get me wrong I like this
person well enough just not today. Aren't you glad Jesus isn't that way.
Anyway realizing what a but head I was being I stepped out from behind my friend
and went over and greeted her. Asked her how she was doing and she says to me I need to
talk to you so we went off to the side and she told me her brother had passed away a month
ago and had no money to bury him think I felt bad before I really felt like a heel then in my
defense I haven't been feeling well. So trying to shake off my lack of compassion at that
moment, inwardly thanking God for not treating me this way.
What is it that paul says in, Romans 7:15-16
I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate.
I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good.
And then to Top it off we had a meeting down stair for candy festival today, so I invited this friend to join
us if she would like and she did. I found a place to sit so did she but it was in the back where no one else was sitting. Someone brought in Pizza I got a piece didn't even offer her a piece, aren't you glad Jesus isn't this way Jerrie .
I know she is a big girl but still it isn't easy being the new kid on the block. Oh it gets better. I realized the time, and decided I needed to head back home to Longview so I get up and say good bye to everyone except Yep you guessed it i totally forgot about my friend, half way to where i was going the Lord said Jerrie did you forget something and I said oh *%#! and turned around went back to the Church. I was praying she was still there, so I hurried down stairs and there she sat, as I entered my really good friend said did you forget something didn't even respond went straight to my other friend not caring who heard what I said to her. I told that I was so sorry I forgot about you; (Aren't you glad Jesus isn't like that Jerrie)
I asked her if she would like a ride home she said no but I will walk you out. We visited a moment
and she went on her way and I went on mine. About two blocks away the Lord spoke to me and said did anyone pray for her today and I said I don't think so He instructed me to turn around and get her, I said really I just want to go home, It's not about what you want Jerrie it is about what she needs and she needs prayer so I turn around again and got her and asked her if anyone had offered to pray with her and she said no. I told her i needed to make quick stop to pick up something from my friend on my way out of town and that we would pray for her and that is how my day ended in Vancouver Wa.
Praise you Jesus for Loving my friend enough to send a sinner like myself to pray for her and I blieve showing her that We are imperfect creatures and also showing her your Love.
Aren't you glad Jesus Isn't like that.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
John 5:2-7 (NIV)
2 Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades.
3 Here a great number of disabled people used to lie-the blind, the lame, the paralyzed
4 From time to time an angel of the Lord would come down and stir up the waters. The first one into the pool after each such disturbance would be cured of whatever disease he had.
5 One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.
6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"
7 "Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."
8. Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."
""First off I believe the sole purpose for this paralytic was so he could be used as a testimony for Jesus,with that being said.
Question's for one to look at.
1. Would you stop and ask him if he wanted help into the pool to be healed?
2. Could you take one second with the risk that you might lose your chance of healing from
this pool?
3. How would you feel if it was you laying there?
I know for myself if it was me laying there and waiting, I would probably be thinking just wait
my day will come some how, and I will be healed and guess what I am not going to help you get in
the pool because you never helped me.
With me just writing that one sentence made me sick to my stomach because God did not create
us to be selfish. When ever I see some one in need I do my best to see if they need anything it's not that I am any better than anyone else it's just that I have always been that way "God created me that way" When I accepted Christ into my heart He showed me that this is a gift He created me with, We all have it we just need to activate it through Jesus Christ God's only Son.
You see we all need each other and our fellowship. The Lost need us more, Jesus's light needs to shine brighter than ever now. We need not to be selfish with God's word and hope and pray that the non-saved
will find their way in, they need positive examples, not the media breeding hate,fear,anger.
The opposite of this is the scripture below
1Cr 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
This is what God desire and requires of us.
My prayer is this that we all do our best to put this to practice.
3 Here a great number of disabled people used to lie-the blind, the lame, the paralyzed
4 From time to time an angel of the Lord would come down and stir up the waters. The first one into the pool after each such disturbance would be cured of whatever disease he had.
5 One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.
6 When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"
7 "Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."
8. Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk."
""First off I believe the sole purpose for this paralytic was so he could be used as a testimony for Jesus,with that being said.
Question's for one to look at.
1. Would you stop and ask him if he wanted help into the pool to be healed?
2. Could you take one second with the risk that you might lose your chance of healing from
this pool?
3. How would you feel if it was you laying there?
I know for myself if it was me laying there and waiting, I would probably be thinking just wait
my day will come some how, and I will be healed and guess what I am not going to help you get in
the pool because you never helped me.
With me just writing that one sentence made me sick to my stomach because God did not create
us to be selfish. When ever I see some one in need I do my best to see if they need anything it's not that I am any better than anyone else it's just that I have always been that way "God created me that way" When I accepted Christ into my heart He showed me that this is a gift He created me with, We all have it we just need to activate it through Jesus Christ God's only Son.
You see we all need each other and our fellowship. The Lost need us more, Jesus's light needs to shine brighter than ever now. We need not to be selfish with God's word and hope and pray that the non-saved
will find their way in, they need positive examples, not the media breeding hate,fear,anger.
The opposite of this is the scripture below
1Cr 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
This is what God desire and requires of us.
My prayer is this that we all do our best to put this to practice.
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