Part1 Of My Testimony

Dazed And Confused
Part One

Dazed and confused was my life for some time after I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior, I had no idea what I was to do and how to make the changes that needed to be made. Like I said before what I was doing prior wasn’t working and things needed to change.
I knew nothing about spiritual warfare, nope not a clue and what was about to happen or the challenges I would be facing. See before I accepted Christ in my life I was really involved into witch craft yep all that hocus pocus stuff, believing that their is such a thing as white magic and black magic let me tell you that is what the enemy would have me believe, so now that he has lost a so called ally, The real battle was about to begin with in my heart and mind because all I knew was witch craft, along with that came free love, drinking smoking, you get the picture.
I thought my life was suppose to get better you know less complicated, easier, worry free God would take care of everything, seriously I was that naïve. That is what I was told that this Jesus person died so I would be free and everything would be so much easier. I didn’t realize it would be that hard I figured that I would go to church and stop smoking and drinking and taking drugs etc, wrong again I didn’t realize that now I was fair game for the enemy at least it felt that way, I was so confused about what God wanted from me I had no clue I still don’t but at least I have a some what of a better understanding but that’s for later.
The person that led me to the Lord told me God can and will deliver me from all these bad habits I had collected over the years but she failed to tell me that I had to be a willing participant I know that sounds silly and I was willing in some areas how ever I got really over whelmed and scared not to mentioned I had a very low self esteem problem, now this is where the enemy start’s to come into play because all my life I felt unloved and unwanted and the thought of this Jesus person loving me and wanting to be apart of my life was cool , unfortunately because the enemy knows my past and all my ugliness he started attacking me with these insecurities,
I wasn’t lovable, I always believed that because my dad never wanted to see me if it meant having to be in the same room as my mother and my mom seemed to love her drugs and her many boyfriends more which made it difficult for me believe That God or this Jesus person would or could love me.
And the enemy knew this so he started whispering into my ear saying Jesus doesn’t love you your own parents didn’t love you so why on earth would he even take the time to love you. That God or this Jesus person would never or love me. That was and is lie number one; it is so easy to believe especially when you think it is you thinking this stuff, because it is what I know all so well. In Gods living word He is always expressing His love for me as well as others.
In Jeremiah 31:3
He says the Lord has appeared of old to me, saying ; yes I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you.
One of the things I have learned in the passing years that Satan cant make me do anything, he can put the thought into my head, it is up to me as to what I do with it, that would have been useful back in the day so the old saying the devil made do it, not true. You see the enemy does not discriminate he will use Christian friends he doesn’t care, I remember a time when a person told me playing cards were evil and that I shouldn’t have them in my home I remember thinking to myself if this is how petty God can be why on earth would I want to serve a God like that,
lie number two it wasn’t that I shouldn’t have cards in my house or play with my cards. This person was concerned that it could be a doorway to other things due to my past in witch craft, the enemy would have me believe she was being controlling , come to find out later she to had dabbled in tarot cards. I didn’t know this then so one more victory for the enemy because by this time I was becoming disillusioned with God and this Jesus person.
I really had no one to talk to except this other person who was my mentor and a mother figure considering I didn’t have a good role model for a mother don’t get me wrong my mom did the best she could with what she had to work with, she got married and had a child by the age of sixteen for crying out loud, could you imagine.
No one ever told me I could have conversations with God or this Jesus person. So I struggled with these changes I felt I had to make right away or God wouldn’t accept me for who I was, yes I was reading my bible but it might as well have been in a foreign language because I had no clue what I was reading seriously this person whom I was working with just kept saying give it to God he will help you well let me tell you I didn’t get very far after that I just threw my hands up in the air and said I have had enough. You see I felt as if I wasn’t good enough and that God didn’t hear me. It was easier to go back to what I knew and did well. And I did just that.
The enemy was eager to welcome me back into his little twisted world.
I thought I was miserable before and that I couldn’t go any lower, well let me tell you what my drinking as well as other addictions or bad habits became much worse than it was before. See what I didn’t mention earlier was that during this time I was married and was raising three beautiful kids who were in the path of my self destruction. And just imagine the field day the enemy had with that destroying all that god was trying to build. As I said before the enemy doesn’t discriminate. Little did I know that when we accept Jesus that the enemy would work over time. Anyway I had gone back to drinking and associating with my old pals, which wasn’t that many but enough to do damage. My drinking had become worse and I lived on pain pills as far back as I could remember.
　
I could go on for ever about the cloud my head was in. However recently I was sitting in church and the pastor said that we always have a tendency to maximize the negative and minimize the positive. I have spent many years doing that and let me tell you I was one sad sack, you know the worst of it is I chose to be stay there because it was all I knew and grew up with.
I think all of us know where feeling sorry for our selves can get us. I had spent so many years in a state of confusion that I had no idea how to get out of the deep pit I had dug my self into. I had forgotten all about God and his Son. I had allowed myself to become full of resentment, anger, hate, bitterness and despair I hated whom I had become so much that I had tried to commit suicide twice.
The beautiful part of it is that God followed me to that darkest place and found me I am not here because some one gave me CPR or of any one person. Let me explain something I didn’t just take a few pills, and say oh some one will find me and take me to a hospital I didn’t make any last ditch effort to call some one this is important, I didn’t want attention I wanted to die I took about 15 muscle relaxants some other white pills about 5 or six and approximately a half rack of beer my partner and my son was asleep upstairs. I left a note I don’t remember what it said, however it didn’t matter because God wasn’t done with me.
I don’t know how long I was out but it couldn’t have been long because I awoke with two people staring at me, I’ve never been so angry as I was at that moment not to mention the shame I felt when I realized what I had done to my son. It took me days to get the chemicals out of my body. I eventually went and saw a doctor about my suicide attempt told him what I took he asked me why I was still alive I just looked at him and said God hates me that’s why. I knew deep with in that wasn’t the truth, I hated me I hated what I had become and who I had become.
Little did I know God was just waiting for me to say okay I have had enough of this life if that’s what I wanted to call it. I tried to do what I had done so many other times and that was running how ever and where ever I ran my problems would soon follow. This time was different. Upon ending this chapter I leave you with these verses. Even though my life was a mess I always prayed maybe for death or living but I was always seeking for something that always right there before me.